when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
