i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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