She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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