So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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