So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
