and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
