failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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