Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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