guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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