he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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