I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
my liver is dry heaving
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
