we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
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