im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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