I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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