just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
