Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
im having a threesome with these popsicles
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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