cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
