Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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