i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
