Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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