I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
