And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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