I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
