best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
