my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
A bitchslap is in order.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
