taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
