Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
