i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
