Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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