Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
