its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
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