3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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