thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Randomize
