ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
