Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
