I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
