Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
