Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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