help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize