So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I've blown a few things in my day
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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