Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Randomize