the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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