Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
