I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I smell stomach acid.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
