Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
