I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Why can't burritos get me drunk
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Randomize
