Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
