i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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