ya dads aren't the best wingmen
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
