i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
