one word: firstdatebathroomanal
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
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