32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize