Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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