I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
