College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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