so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
