I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
