Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize