I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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