I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
My ass is underappreciated
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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